I guess I will have to go it alone...

I don't cry in public

and when I don't and everybody else is

it makes me feel bad

but that doesn't mean that I don't care

and when I get home all the pent up tears will escape.

Like now.

I feel quite lost not sure what to do.

Everytime my life feels a little bit under control something else rocks it

everytime I feel content I end up not being so content.

Like today,

it didn't hit me that life was going to be so different when this happended

it seemed like it was so far off in the distance

but no it is here

and I am scared of loosing relationships and scared of the change.

I don't really feel like I belong I just needed to stay to heal a little bit

and that I am not so bitter I do not know what to do, where to go,

who I am apart of.

I wish we could take back that year

when life feel apart I wish we could go back

I know we can't but wouldn't that be nice.

I want to figure out where to go now even if I am not ready

and have to go it alone.

and yes I know I am not alone I have Jesus and my parents and my close friends

but in this area I feel completely alone.

I don't know what to do or how to do it

where to go and who will be there for me.

I wish it didn't hurt and I wish things were different.

But they aren't I just have to try I guess even if it is all alone.

I will just take it in strides...

I am sitting in front of our large sliding glass windows

looking at the snow!

It's beautiful out there.

I really should be studying for my last final which is tom/

saturday :(

but i just can't bring my self to use my brain like that right now

so i thought I would write...

This week has been crazy stressful

I had a final everyday except today and I always tend to leave things till last minute

so naturally every day this wek was crunch time...

Monday: I had a paper due wich I wrote all of sunday night after church.

Tuesday: I had my last test in Human geography and naturally put off studying till Monday

night and Tuesday morning.

Wednesday: I had my final portfolio due in photo which I took the last picture for that morning

and that night i had a on line final due.

Thursday: was my last test in my human body class.

Saturday: last test in Vietnam and my semester will be over.

Praise God!

Though this semester wasn't to good for my GPA God realy did get me through.

I believed it before but, it isn't until u experience it

that it becomes so real.

And I learned that procratination is so bad for my mental state

I have hopefully learned my lesson and things will be different next semester...

I will keep you posted.

I am doing some of my job shadowing at St. Lukes and m really

excited to start :)

everything is just so new and exciting and there is so much to learn

I bought a book yesterday it's called On Call

a doctor wrote it and it is about her residency from the first day to the final night.

I love learning about it all and it is cool to have some concrete knowledge

about being a doctor and procedures and stuff...

Sometimes I wish I could be a doctor or a surgeon

but I know med school is not something I could do

though i would like to go just for one day and see what it's like....

lol

see the funny thing to me is that when I was little hospitals scared me

they made me feel sick even if i was visiting and

not getting poked or prodded myself.

I swore I would never work at one or even do anything associated with one.

Guess what plans have changed

never say never because God can change anything

and it makes me smile just thinking about it.

See this should be a lesson to myself,

God really does have a plan I shouldn't doubt so often.

Christmas is in a few days

and because of school I haven't even been able to enjoy the thought of it.

I have almost all my shopping done and the tree has been up

since a few days after thanksgiving (I didn't have to decorate this year because

I was writing a paper) and we decorated sugar cookies just like we always do (except

I was studying so I only decorated a few).

As I have gotten older

especially these last few years the holidays

have become more and more about family and relaxing and being home

then presents.

I am just happy school will be out for a few weeks....

My parents are trying to get a license for

adult foster care and for a while they were talking about moving

but now they are saying that we will prolly just live here.

You know what that means???

Me and my sister will have to share a room

and lets be honest I am not excited about it at all.

Sharing a room is not my idea of fun.

We would take my room which has been my room since I was one.

I am not ready to move out but maybe soon

I would need a better job and prolly someone to live with.

IDK i think i will take it in strides

or at least try to take it in strides...

I better go eat lunch and study...

More another day.

Help me please...

I need to be doing homework but,

there is no way my mind can work until I get this out/

"talk" about it.

My heart is still doing double time.

Ugh I need help getting over him.

He sat by me for a few minutes today

and my heart sped beat the whole time.

It hurts; the posibility of him never loving me

the way I love him.

I want to cry.

How come Lord???

I know I know, it is my fault...

I will try to work on it.

It has come

To that point in the semester when I just don't care ne more.

I need to care but I just don't

my brain is constently full of everything I need to do

so that by the end of the week I just want to turn off.

It's almost over tho there is an end in sight

only one more week of regular classes and then finals

I might make it till then....

We will have to see.

My heart, I can feel it beating...

It's when other people tell

you the things you already know

that they become reality.

Ya I realize the chances us having the

friendship we once had is slim.

We have both changed so much so

it wil never be what it once was.

I need to get over it.

It hurts I miss you.

He's been on my mind....

Alright so what do you do when you fall again?

I mean I thought I was WAY over this stage

of my life.

When I seriously think about it though

even when I wasn't liking him

he still had a way of making my heart flutter

(he always has been able to do that).

But he has a girlfriend.

I always think every time I see him he's going to tell me

that they broke up

it hasn't happened yet

and yes I need to realize it may never happen.

There is this little piece of me that seriously

hopes that it is coming soon though.

I think I just need to live my life and see if he ever fits in

Why is it so hard to give it to God

let Him take the reigns?

You would think that I would rather not have to think about it

I know God is in control and that he has a man for me

so why m I so stuck on this one?

After so many years of being friends I mean come on

just get over it already right?

Well I will tell you why I am so stuck;

it's because he is easy to talk to there are no awkward silences

because even if we rn't talking it isn''t awkward.

I have been a huge dork around him and we went

thru some of our dumbest times together

so I never feel dumb and never have to watch what I say

because chances are he's said or done dumber.

He will always come and talk to me,

I do not have many guy friends where it has been an equal

give and take.

Needless to say I thought I was totally over him till

a camp thing this summer

funny how thos things come rushing back

in one tidal wave.

I just want to cuddle up to him and talk again.

We used to talk all the time about almost everything.

I just miss him.

One chance that's all I want.

Lord please one chance.

But then I think maybe it could never be what it used to b.

Do I want to risk the old memories

if I got the chance and it really didn't work.

I guess the bottom line is I miss him

I am jealous of her and

I need to move on...

I dream...

I have this dream;

U look up and see me and run

sweeping me up.

I have this dream,

of our heads bent close

telling eachother everything.

I have this dream

where I know everything ur thinking.

Where you let me soak

up your tears.

I have this dream that my dream

would became a reality.

So Today....

I just realized how much I missed you....

You used to trip me and what you didn't

realize is everytime you did I fell harder for you.

I thought I was over it but then you tripped me again.

Now everytime your eyes pierce mine

my heart is sent in a fury of motion.

I love how after all these years you can stil read me like an

open book.

It's gotta mean that I meant a little something to you.

Now all I can think of is:

Maybe someday it could work

It might be great

Please, be my best friend again.

Early

It is way to early to be up

yet I have to go to school and try to learn things.

I m exhausted and don't feel good.

I think it is one of the worst combos and what is

worse about that combination is when you

have to try to function like that.

Better go

More later...

Starting Out

The start of this whole blogging thing.

I like writing things out

and generally can get a better handle on things

once I do so I thought I would

start one of these.