New season

I can not believe I didn't mention it I got into the NURSING PROGRAM!!!!!

I am very excited.

With this new season I am starting a new blog.

Signing off.

Grinding stop

Yes the semester is finally coming to an end

Yes I have one final out of the way

Yes I have three more to go

Yes one is cumulative

Of course I have not started studying for that one

Yes I am sick right now

Of course it is no fun

Yes this is my study break

No it is not helping because I am thinking about

everything I need to cram in my head b4 tomorrow morining

Yes my stomach hurts

Yes I need the Fathers hand to carry me through

Crazy Stuff

Life has been crazy lately.

I have not posted for such a long time I don't even remember

the last thing I wrote about....

I passed the NATO it is the state test

to become a certifed nursing assistant

lets just say that I was insanely nervous that day.

God showed himself in a number of ways

the first being that I passed and the second

being that He helped me remember my

SS which is something I never truely comitted to memory.

Both things really important and I give all credit to

my Savior.

I got a new job at an adult foster home and I love it.

This does not mean that I gave myself the luxery of quitting

Falks O no I am offically "holding" down two jobs

and going to school so needless to say I am tired

all the time. I have no social life right now

and that is ok. I just keep reminding myself

that this is only a season. my semester is almost over

and I just need grace to get through it and pull good grades out in the end.

I will say the paycheacks are pretty fun to pick up :)

Another way I have litterally seen Gods hand was on Thanksgiving.

This year my mom, sister, and I went down to the DECC to serve

food for the big FREE feast.

We went down with some family friends.

That was fun much like serving at portage only large scale

and I was glad that I went down tho that was not my "worry" for the day.

We then invited those same ppl over for dinner along

with my grandpa and uncle.

this is where my leigha freak out happened.

keep in mind that we do not know these ppl very well and they have

a 17 year old boy, 15 year old girl and a 13 year old girl.

So I silently prayed before they came over that it would not be awkward

and guess what???

It wasn't in fact I have not had that much fun in a long time.

we ripped up and threw around adds for blackfriday

for a long time. Like i said fun stuff

reminded me of life back when we would hang out with the Ross'

nice memories but this was more fun.

I am number 66/67 on the list to get into the Nursing program

they take 60 ppl so I am still praying that I get in.

I will know soon.

Hati I want to go to Hati and do missions work.

Alright notecards are calling my namen LOUDLY.

'Til later.

I absolutely hate

the days when my heart is so sad

and my paitence is so low

it is days like this that remind me to cling to Jesus even tighter

but it is so hard when you want something so much

that you hurt

your whole body

i hate it so much

i want to be patient i know there will a time

but right now it hurts so bad

that i want to cry

but i am to exhausted to cry

and i want to write

but i am to exhausted to write

and my heart hurts

but even that is exhausting

when father???

when is my turn????

i hate days like this

well

Right now my throat hurts no not really my throat

it's more like my ear.

I don't know something in that region hurts.

I have a test tom. at 8 am

I do not think I am prepared

this will be the second test I take in less than a week

that I am not prepared for.

What is happening to me?

Not that I have ever been super hard core about school

though I have always gone into tests as prepared...

Whatever.

Last week I worked everyday but Tuesday.

I am exhausted.

One thing

That clinicals did a terrible job at teaching you

is how to manage with out a partner

i just got a job that i know i will love

and i know i can do but

i was standing there

learning the ropes yesterday

thinking o me and my partner will be

o wait i am all alone

i have no one to fall back on

shoot

Praying

I have a paper to work on

and a walk that needs to be taken

but I am not really in the mood for either.

So what shall I do in the mean time?

Blog of course.

What about?

I am not sure.

I went and talked to my advisor the other day

and although she didn't really help me.

Everything that I want

I have to try to figure out on my own.

You would think that they should be able to answer

all the questions we have but apparently NOT.

Anyways she did give me one peice of hope....

there is a small almost non exsistent chance

that I will get into the nursing program in the spring!

Like I said it is a small possibility because I finished my

last pre-req in the summer.

I just need to remember that it is all in God's plan

weather I get in this spring or have to wait

I need to give that year to God if waiting is what i have to do...

I am praying I get in in the spring...

I stumbled upon a womans blog one day

and proceeded to read all about her baby

who has a heart condition.

He's in the hospital again.

I just pray he gets better soon so he can go home.

It's his birthday

Praise the Lord he has taken breath for a year.

Father be with the family.

I might be getting a new job.

My mom's employer want to hire me!

I am super excited about it.

I pray that I can do it

and that it is a good place for me.

Praying

Well

My microbiology paper is kicking my butt

right now.

Not because the content is hard

but because the dialouge is not flowing.

I can't believe

it's over already.

My clinicals they are over.

Man I remember when the class started back in the fall.

I was nervous and excited all at the same time.

I also wasn't sure I was going to make it.

Sitting for hours on end is not fun

and that is what the first three class were.

We would sit and listen to her lecture

plus watch a few movies each night.

These were not good movies they were the kind

that make you want to pull your hair out

each strand individually.

My class took up until the last two weeks of class

to be comfortable together.

We would each talk to about one other person

but by the last two weeks of class we could sit in there

and have one big conversation

with yelling across the room and

a million smaller ones going on between two or three people.

One of the more memorable lines being:

"Guys what should I bring for the pot luck?"

"Kiwi's. No I am serious."

"NO not kiwi's I have had a bad experience with kiwi's!"

haha it was quite the conversation.

Anyways I thought it was sad that right when we were getting

comfortable together the class was over

EXCEPT for clinicals.

DUN Dun dun.

NO I was super excited for them to start

but insanely nervous that I would be sick the whole time.

The only night that I was really sick was the first one

and after that I was fine.

I think I went into eachnight with a stomach ache

but by the grace of my Savior they went away.

It is helpful to be so busy that you don't remember that

your stomach is in knots.

The class was split in half

and I think we got the bast half of the class.

We all got together so well

I am extremely sad that clinicals are over.

The one thing that I want to remember is how good I felt afterward.

It was rewarding something that makes you feel needed

no matter how gross or crabby, or heavy or combative

the person is.

I am scared now to go on and do it without a partner

especially because each night I had a guy for a partner

which was nice because

they are strong and can do all the heavy rolling and stuff.

I have yet to realize how I will be able to do it on my own.

It will be a learning experience.

I will miss my group I wish we could all work together

or something.

It is crazy for me to think that in August they were complete strangers

and by october we were thrown into a situation

which made us all alittle more valnurable which made us

friends i think is the right term.

Anyways,

I can't believe they are over

and I sincerly wish that they weren't.

I will miss my class and my residents.

Sporadic

Wow it is rediculous how sporadic my posts are.

So I have completed 3 nights of clinicals

and I love it!

It's rewarding and hard but I don't know

I just love it.

No matter how many mistakes you make

how many old people yell at you

you leave feeling good.

It has made me so greatful for the way that I can do the basic

things.

That's why I can handle it [which is the first question that everybody asks]

because they need it and it's those little things that make

them feel human still.

And even tho there are some people that are incredibly

crabby they still love you and the appreciative ones

are so much fun.

This is not something that I ever saw myself doing

in fact when I was young and my mom was working as a CNA

I swore I would NEVER be able to

nor would ever want to work as one

and here I am

I am going to miss my class

after monday we will not be working together ever again

we probabley won't see eachother either

it's actually kind of funny

because we have only known eachother for

about two months

and it was at the end of our in class stuff that we truely

started getting comfortable talking and teasing eachother

and then we were thrown into this

new slightly scary setting

where we had to apply the things that we had been

learning in lab

and we had to totally depend on eachother.

We are all comfortable together now.

I will miss each and every one of them.

I went on a Campus Crucade for Christ

retreat last weekend.

Originally I had been super excited about it

then when I was leaving I got nervous.

It's hard to go somewhere where a bunch of strangers are

needless to say I had a stomach ach all weekend

tho I am convinced that it was spiritual attack

I kept praying and made it trough all of the

weekend :)

it was an awesome experience

and to see how we all started out as complete strangers

and ended up being friends by the time

we all went home.

They introduced us to these things called summer projects

and I am going to seriously pray about going on one.

they run everywhere from 1 week to 11 weeks

it felt like God had dropped the oppurtunity into my lap

so i am going to pray and see.

it was a weekend where I can't really put how it affected me into words

but i am insanely glad I went.

the weekend was not without struggle.

For starters I was sitting in this group which was pre made

and we were sharing our life maps and for some reason

I was attracted to this kid sitting across from me and I could not figure out

why I was so much

and then it totally dawned on me

he reminded me of Nate.

He was like Nate's twin both in looks and personality

and upon that realization I got mad at myself.

Anyways it wasn't like i started liking this kid

tho I did find myself starring somethimes just

because I was amazed that two people could be so alike

tho this kid had one major diffrence was that Jesus was shining

BRIGHTLY thru him.

Then I remembered that Nate was supposed to be coming home

[nah i didn't actually forget just pushed it out of my head]

and I missed him a little tho I was glad I would have

an excuse to not see him.

It was a constant struggle of not reliving memories a nice little

temptation of sorts.

I also feel asleep during devotions :P

I was praying and then all of the sudden I was dreaming that

Nate was telling me that it was 11:23 and I needed to wake up

I shook my self awake and looked at my phone

and sure enough it was 11:23.

Anyways I was getting thru the weekend learning things

feeling the spirit fighting a stomach ache leaning on God

and fighting off memories of the guy that i had long liked

and fortunetly gotten over when sunday comes around.

we were waling out of the last session when i decided to check my phone

and there was a text from him

it was sent right around the time church would have gotten out

which made me feel... weird.

Anyways we texted

and i said something about hopefully seeing him before school

started

and he said ya for sure becasue i don't think that I will see him for a very

long time.

it was weird coming away from that weekend so wanting to just

serve my Jesus with no thought of wanting to wait around

for whoever I am waiting for. like i am

ready to ship off this summer

and put his life out of my head

it was so obvious on the way home how dfferent our lives are.

Anyways he is heading to the cities this weekend so I won't see him at church.

I am so at peace but I kinda want to see him

just to erase the other guys face from my head

because all tho they looked a lot alike it is not the same.

The other kid did plague my mind a little when I got home

so I decided I need to avoid him at all times

like tuesday i was going to go to cru at UMD but i knew that

I wasn't supposed to so I didn't. I am glad I didn't.

So I will keep you updated on how I feel when I see Nate for the first time

since June 21st.

That is all for now

two very good reminders that LIFE GOES ON

Here we go again

There are always a million ways

and things that i want to and

need to change about myself.

So here it goes again.

I have tried seriously to loose weight

three times nothing has worked

only because i get lazy.

So we are starting agian.

but it is not just my physical self i need to change

it is my spiritual self too.

it all goes hand in hand.

so both are going to change. they need to.

so i m starting fresh.

this time instead of a week at a time i am going two days

if i can do two days then two more

and so on and so forth.

I am determined to beat this laziness thing that i possess.

'til late

Long time no type...

Wow it has been forever since I even remember logging into this.

I am sitting here, my body feeling wide awake and my eyes feeling

really really sleepy, thinking about so many things.

Things I could be doing instead of sitting on the internet, things

I want to accomoplish, things I should look into, prayers I want answered but

before answers the prayers need to happen.

Shall I make a list?

I think I shall:

1. my lips hurt so I put on some chap stick. the kind that

makes them tingle. yay.

2. I want to write. Which I do sparatically but it is not very often

and there is much imporvment that needs to happen. Lately I have been throwing

around the idea of minoring in writing. Do they even make that?

has that even been done? A major in nursing and a minor in writing?

I don't know if I would even be able to accomplish that

what with the clinicals and stuff. i do however want to find a school

that offers some more writing classes.

3. i still sometimes wonder if I am supposed to be a nurse. I really really want to be

one so I don't know if that is getting in the way of what I am really supposed to

be. I guess I will find out. It will be humiliating to tell people

if I do indeed switch [which i mentioned before I do NOT want to do] becasue

people seem to automatically think higher of you when you

tell them you want to go into the health feild.

4. back to writing i don't really want to become an author I just

want to learn how to write better.

5. my walk is crap lately. i don't know what happened or when I started getting

so lazy with it. I just don't do anything. I pray constently but not like I should

I haven't read my bible for a while. UGH.

6. in church on sunday I was hit with this realization that I am not sure

if it is from me or God but that I am not where I am

supposed to be. which scares me. I supposed if I fixed the problem above I could figure

out if that thought popped into my head on my account or

because I heard God speak.

7. Iam signed up to go on the Cru. retreat and I am overly excited about it.

I really can't wait to go and be with Jesus for the weekend which was my intent

on signing up. then i was plagued

with incredibly selfish reasons like:

I remembered it is the weekend he comes home

and I was even more excited that I would be outta town.

and there will be a ton of christian guys there that weekend

ones that could potentially be my guy. this is my problem I

don't want that weekend to be anything about guys

just Jesus and me. A refresher time away from life

to reconnect with my SAVIOR. I need it so badly.

8. Most of the time I am so over him but then there are moments

when i miss him so badly it hurts and i remember he could care

less about me and a peice of me crumbles and then I feel

rediculous and well it is an annoying cycle.

9.I really want my man. I am not a patient person, though I

am not confident in myself therefore there is no way I can

even imagine someone loving me in that way.

10. I really want to learn to run. I have been trying without success

it is hard and I really hate it. I want to love it.

11. It seems as if everything I start I don't follow through with

I want to break that habit.

12. I just deleted his girlfriend from my friends on facebook

and even though she will never know it felt good.

13. I really need to take a CPR class in order to get into the RN program for the fall. I keep

forgetting, is that God or just a lame mind???

14. I need to look into schools that will give me a bachleors in Nursing and offer

an NP program also one with creative writing

courses would be a plus.

15. I wish God would tell me my path.

16. I realize then I would not be taking anything by faith.

Those are the things I am thinking about.

In the order they hit my head.

I will get back on excersising.

I do not want to be one of those people that never does

anything because they are sitting around waiting

for oppertunity and love.

I need patience.

I need to sleep....

life goes on....

Seconds

I only have a few moments.

School starts on monday

say goodbye to the summer i never had.

I took the NET today and passed at the RN

level which was an answer to prayer.

If I had failed I think I would have seriously

thought about a change in major.

He wrote me a letter

my head was sent in a tail spin my stomach keeps

falling to my toes

[it wansn't anything great]

but my heart is at peace.

"til later

Wow it's been... awhile to say the least.

I am sick of feeling sick.

My stomach has been acting up since

sunday

I feel yucky not terrible but yucky

and I leave on a outreach trip this sunday

I want to feel good.

I hate my stomach

I wonder why I have this problem

I have to work tonight

it all makes me feel angry...

Summer at last!

My class is over!!!!

I am finally on summer break!!!!

I ended up with a B in my class

which I am thrilled about!!!

Yay no more AP ever again

which is a little sad because I did enjoy it

tho I am convinced we got ripped off on

our cat dissections

we beascially cut it open the end

kinda lame in my opinion.

Now I need to take the NET test

and a CPR class and all my pre-techs for the

nursing program at LSC will be done....

My outreach trip is in two weeks to GP

and I can finally allow myself to be excited

without stressing over school...

there is still a lot of things that need to be done before

it but compared to school it is not even close to work...

So I had been really struggling in the guy area

it had taken it's toll on me and I was in a bad mood all around

so the other night I picked up a book called

When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy

[I had read to about 1/4 of it awhile ago but my heart was no where in the right place

so I quite]

well not so this time.

It spoke right to me in the place where I needed it the most.

I recommend it.

Ok church in a few better get ready

<3

Since last time...

I wrote I have worked through so many emotions.

Emotions I guess I didn't even know I had yet.

It was so weird my mind was on a rollar coaster

my heart hurt my head was so full I was sure if I cut it open tons of stuff

would have come pouring out

but, the whole time my heart felt peace.

I know that it will all work out and now I know that

even if it doesn't work out the way that I so badly wanted

I will be ok.

Maybe I needed all those emotions just to get over it

and maybe just to make me stronger

either way I will be ok.

Last week was tough tho

I didn't get anything done so this week I am fighting to catch up

and I think the stress is getting to my stomach because

it has been really painful since tuesday.

I have a test tom that I don't feel perpared enough for

and that is not good since I feel like I am making up ground from the last

two tests.

In lab I got a B a 85.5 percent which is a solid B

and on the lecture well I got a 75.5 percent

which is a solid C and not good in my eyes

so I am fighting my way back up.

I am at a B over all still tho which is ok and this is

harder then A&P I so if I come out

with a B I am ok with that.

It's just keeping it there that will be hard.

I pray God takes pity on me and helps me thru it.

I don't think my brain will hold any more tonight and my test is at

8:30 am so the chances of me studying much in the morning are slim.

I think I better turn in

'til next time...

Already...

I miss you already.

Break

I feel like I have been studying all day

well I have.

Since 9 with short breaks to eat and get clean

I do not feel like I am prepared and the sad part about that?

I am taking one of the tests two days late

Why may you ask?

Because I am sick or at least feel sick

which makes me angry.

So, I have to take two tests tom instead of one.

It only totally frustrates me and I am scared that I won't do well

I don't feel like I know this stuff well

the endocrine system is hard.

I liked AP I because it was a lot of memorizing and that is what I am good at

needless to say I am worried.

I better get back to it.

'til later

Nutshell

*sigh* what a busy week.

This week excersise was a joke as I was busy

everyday.

On monday I picked up a shift mid afternoon

and by the time I was done I was exhausted

really for no apparent reason seeing as it was only 3 1/2 hours long.

Tuesday I had school then some girls came over from the bible study

then we went to the bible study.

Wow I don't even remember wednesday.

Thursday I had school then I worked then I came home changed

ran to walmart came home and packed and went to bed.

Friday I was at church by 7:35am to head to camp smith for

the weekend.

Yes it was a busy week and tommorow I have a test

that I have not even began studying for yet, that is todays project

well that and working.

I need to get back on my excersising regime.

The weekend was really good and relaxing and tiring all rolled into one.

We are heading up to Portage this summer like we always do

for our outreach trip (this is our third summer going up there)

and this weekend was for planning that week and in my opinion it went well

God worked in each ministry group and as a whole we

all got along really well.

Being a YA leader was diffrent then just being one of the teens going up there

I felt more responsibility and felt like a I took more on.

I was also way more critical of myself

there are a lot of things I want to change about me before the trip.

There were many good moments but one of my favorites

was on friday night;

Me and Elise decided to go down to the dock it was a nice night out and

who doesn't love being by a lake whenever possible.

Dan was fishing.

The sun was just finishing setting so the sky was dark with random streaks of peach

there weren't to many bugs.

We stood there watching him cast and real in for a while

before we started asking him questions about fishing

since we knew nothing about it we had a lot

and he answered everyone of them.

We then started talking about how much we hated mosquitos and

how we wondered if they were in Eden.....

It was calm and relaxing and normal.

One thing I learned this weekend is that I love getting

to know people better.

Not like surfacy things but the things that make up who they really are

we had to share a story like a God story of hope, grace, salvation

how we see Him as real, where he has helped us out ect.

it was like getting a little peice of everyones heart.

Getting to know the real them.

The weekend was awesome I think our team will be great this summer.

Though the whole weekend I was asking God to help me fight off

an overwhelming feeling of missing him.

It was like I just expected to look around the circle and see him sitting there

or that he would show up.

I wanted to hear a story from him see if God is working in his life

or more rather can he see places where God has worked in his life.

But he wasn't there wouldn't show up and won't be around all summer

and everytime I was plagued with that feeling

and I asked God to help he medicated it to a dull throb.

Well I need to get moving I hear my Anatomy notes calling out to me.

Much love....

It's diffrent

I went to his party today.

I totally gave the thing to God and really

I have that is not a lie

HE has the whole thing in HIS hands

I am not worried about it at all

but, it still hurts.

He is so full of himself and has a huge ego.

Going to his party was really hard for me to do

I was breathing so shallowly when I got there I was walking up to

the building telling myself to breathe.

I bypassed him on the way in because he was talking to

friends from school and went to talk to some cousins.

I guess I can't lie I kinda kept my eye on him the whole time

I mean not like outwardly but in my periphreal vision I did and finally he

walked away from the group and I turned and looked at him.

We made some ridiculous face at eachother and he walked over to me.

He also had is ex girlfriend there and they aren't dating apparently because

he doesn't want any ties when he goes off to basic.

Well it all hurt but it so weird I have a peace

I am just going to pray.

Hard though.

and in my heart of hearts I want Jesus to redeem him

and let me marry him.

I am just going to keep praying

I am not looking forward to him leaving though

he has always been there and in all reality

I will miss him more then anyone.

Jill was asking me about it

and wondering if I only liked him when he was around

and I told her no it is diffrent.

and it is

it has settled in the depths of my heart

it's not really moving

though i have given it to God

and I am trying to not awaken it

it is just nicely settled until either I get over it

or Jesus brings it to completion.

I mean bringing us together that is

I guess either way it will be completion.

Either way I am emotionally drained

just from seeing him and writing this.

'Til later

Silence is so freaking Loud

Which is a quote from the book I am reading

and in my opinion so totally true.

I hate it and really will do anything to avoid it.

Including coming up with really dumb things to talk about

or complaining about randomness when in all reality

I would never in a million years care about the things

I am bringing up.

It's an annoying habit but it is more annoying when

you are talking to a person you have known for ever

and there is awkward silences.

I kinda wish the character who said it was an actual person.

I think we would be great friends.

Haha

I am exhausted I did not sleep enough last night

and had to get up early for school

tho i sucked up as much sleep as I could

giving my self an 1/2 hour to get ready

which is not nearly enough time to prepare for being gone

for 5 hours and 20 minutes.

The short I did not shower and now feel gross,

I am tired but should excersise,

and I am hungery but don't really feel like eating.

We haven't started disecting cats yet

that is tuesdays project

that I am almost looking forward to.

I am just not so much the smell.

The guy thing; gave it to God

like really did.

He is in the hands of Jesus the whole thing is

now the waiting and the being patient to see how everything

turns out will be hard.

And I think I will still miss him

but I feel content right now

about everything

including the nursing thing.

We talked about God's will last night at church

and even though I am not sure about all of it

I feel like I am resting right where the Lord intends me to be

not that I don't have a ton to change about me

I am still working through things I guess we never really stop.

Alright I need some food and a nap

before work.

'Til next time

Just wondering

when it gets easier.

I have been excersising for going on three weeks

I only missed 3 days and it is still not easy

in fact I think it is getting harder.

The first week was the easiest

last week wasn't terrible but the past

two days have not been fun.

I am doing all the same stuff so it shouldn't be harder

it should be easier.

I learned I have 'til October instead of September

though I wonder if I am just setting myself up for pain.

I guess we will just see what happens. Maybe

by then I won't have to worry about it

maybe by then I won't even care.

I will just have to see, my poor heart

I have screwed it over.

On a lighter note I started my anatomy class and it is

going well though the first day by the end I felt super sick

I think it was just because I was waiting for him to

spring the cats on us he didn't not 'til thursday.

So we will see.

I want to read that's all I want to do

but I have not had time.

So to conclude; I want more ambition to get skinny,

I miss him and I need to get over him, I want to be excited about

cutting open cats.

'til later

words

Well I haven't written for a few days.

yesterday was so good

I slept in til about 11 which is crazy for me

and honestly sleeping that late is not my favorite thing

it wastes the day away

so when i woke up i did not feel like excerising but I

did and it felt great.

Today is another story

I got 5 hours of sleep and then

had school for 5 hours and 20 mins

and have not been feeling great all day

meaning I dont think the excersising thing

is going to happen even tho it needs to.

I feel like i have lost

but I feel like I don't look like I have.

I am just going to keep doing what I am doing.

Memory day...

Well it's memorial day so

my family started the day by visiting the cementary

to visit my mom's brothers grave as well as

great grandparents, a friend, and a baby cousin.

Then we went to Cub to get cook out stuff

because my parents have friends coming over

which I am not excited about because they have kids meaning I will actually have

to try to entertain them.

Not excited.

In between there somewhere I excersised and now I am super tired

a nap sounds lovely.

I don't feel like i have lost anything

but I am going to push on

and hopefully I will eventually.

Alright gotta finish getting ready and clean up my room a little bit.

Ugh

I need to get motivated and exercise

because I am meeting ppl for lunch and won't

have time the rest of the day.

Ugh I am mad at myself I was doing so good

yesterday

and then I had friends over and ate a about five cookies

and some crackers.

It's like instant failure

I didn't even want to eat it but it's habit

one that needs to be broken.

It has been beautiful out :)

tho my summer comes to an end in less then a week.

Ok motivation calls....

Baby steps

I got up early today to bring my dad to work

well really in all reality he drug me out

of bed so I could bring him to work.

Ugh I am positive that it is not safe for me to be driving

when I am barely awake but it is the price I pay

to use a car when ever I want

and really I am so greatful they let me use a car when I want.

Then I went and met some of my friends for breakfast

which was supposed to be on the beach

but it was crazy windy so we just ate in my van

then went on a short walk down the beach.

It was good I miss them we don't get to hang out

all together nearly enough.

I had to work tonight which I know is needed but I really think it

ruins summer.

I hadn't had time early today to work out

but I did tonight after work.

It's nothing big a two mile walk and some weight lifting

hopefully in time I will see progress.

Any ways I am tired I think I am going to go to sleep

or watch t.v or maybe I should read the bible.

No I know I should.

It's like i get one thing in check but I can't ever do it all at once.

I will in time be able to get everything going in nice harmony

for now babysteps.

I went on a 2 mile walk yesterday and worked out

so I think I am at a good start.

Now it's all about motivation even on days when I don't

want to or have very little time.

But, since it is summer I don't think I should have a problem.

:)

Now I am patiently (ok really not patient at all)

awaiting my over all grades for the semester.

I think that if everything stays where it is

(aka the teachers don't like put them on some weird curve or

whatever teachers like to do to make you freak out)

I should come out with:

A,A,A,B,C

ugh the C still makes me angry

one point from a B I was so trying to avoid C's.

w/e I shouldn't complain that is much better then I did last semester.

Yesterday I seemed to get a lot done and with the working out

I was actually tired at 11 and fell right to sleep.

Which is awesome since the past few nights it has been anywhere

between 1 and 4 that I have fallen asleep.

Due to not being tired and watching Gilmore Girls.

Any ways not really sure what I am going to do today...

talk to ya later.

Right now I am walking.

Ok well my spring semester is already over

and I am having a hard time believeing it.

I ended up doing excellent this semester ending the year with only

one C which actually made me really mad,

I worked super hard in that class and it was one point away from a B.

I was trying really really hard to stay away from C's.

Anyways my summer vacation is going to be short lived because I

am taking anatomy and physiology II this summer

twice a week for 4 hours

and actually I am looking forward to it tho I feel the cats

are going to smell even worse in the middle of the summer

lol.

As of now I have switched my major (or whatever it's called)

to Nursing.

Which scares the crap outta me.

I never thought in a million years I would even be interested in Nursing

much less actually persueing it.

I am excited except about the barfing

which yes I am so aware that it happens all the time in hospitals

but that is the one part I am scared silly about.

I hate barfing hate it wish God didn't create it to happen.

Always makes me feel sick after I see someone else doing it.

Anyways I am trusting in God that if this is where

I am supposed to be at that then I will get through the puke.

I went to the food self at the Vineyard today and helped out

bagging groceries for the clients.

It was a blessing to be able to do that they switched their system since

moving to the new building where we actually get to talk to the

people that have come down to the food self and that is really cool.

I met some really neat people and they were all so greatful.

I am embarking in the journey to lose weight.

I am not really sure how it is going to work

I think it will involve a lot of walking but it is going to happen this time.

I want to be so much skinnier by september.

Why September well I would rather not say.

So as of today cold and all I am going to start walking I mean really

it's summer theres nothing better to do with many days off in a row.

We will see how it works.

Yes I watch the Bigest Loser and I love it actually

especially this season. Anyways the trainers always make every contestant

get to the bottom of their weight problem and the reason they haven't done

anything till now. My reason is failure I have tried a few time it hasn't worked

I never stuck to it long enough. I have to this time.

I never want to be even clos to big enough to be able to apply to the ranch

Bob and Jillian scare me. So for now I am walking.

I will try to apply the food thing too

but right now I am walking.

Ok on to matters of the heart,

I let Jesus take it over once and for all at the winter retreat this year.

I had been getting really bitter without even really knowing it

and started taking it out on my family

I didn't want to go on the retreat but for some reason knew I had to

I did and one night during worship I literally felt my heart soften

it wasn't the speakers words or the music itself it was Jesus

and has stuck around ever since.

It wasn't an emotionally driven thing which is how I knew it

was real and I didn't tell anybody for about a week.

I never said anything to my parents they just knew I was different less grouchy

not on edge and kinder to them.

Yay God is good!

So I have slacked on my bible reading and prayer since that retreat

but Jesus is no less alive in me.

And that is one thing that I know for an absolute fact.

This year has had the most different kind of spiritual things in it.

One friend has started going to a church with twisty

docrine I am thinking mainly for the attention

and a lot of questions have been brought up

that I have never even heard about before.

I have doubted slightly just because I don't know the answers

and you know what I may never know them all.

Jesus is my Lord and Savior and really that's what matters

those other things I will figure out with time.

Gotta work on my bible reading.

So reading and walking my two major things to work on this summer.

I think for the day I am all blogged out.

Gotta change the laundry out and start walking.

NOthing will happen if I don't just start.

Weather I want to or not.

Right now it would be the later haha hopefully someday I will

actually enjoy working out.

Litterally seconds

I only have a few seconds before I leave to go help at the food self

but I can not believe that I haven't written on this for sooo very long.

I want to start up again now that the main school year is over and I will

actually have some time to enjoy it.

I will write more later...

I just want to...

I just need to cry...

I feel the tears

They won't fall

I want them too

but they won't

I miss him so much

I am not supposed to care

is hope a dumb thing?