It's diffrent

I went to his party today.

I totally gave the thing to God and really

I have that is not a lie

HE has the whole thing in HIS hands

I am not worried about it at all

but, it still hurts.

He is so full of himself and has a huge ego.

Going to his party was really hard for me to do

I was breathing so shallowly when I got there I was walking up to

the building telling myself to breathe.

I bypassed him on the way in because he was talking to

friends from school and went to talk to some cousins.

I guess I can't lie I kinda kept my eye on him the whole time

I mean not like outwardly but in my periphreal vision I did and finally he

walked away from the group and I turned and looked at him.

We made some ridiculous face at eachother and he walked over to me.

He also had is ex girlfriend there and they aren't dating apparently because

he doesn't want any ties when he goes off to basic.

Well it all hurt but it so weird I have a peace

I am just going to pray.

Hard though.

and in my heart of hearts I want Jesus to redeem him

and let me marry him.

I am just going to keep praying

I am not looking forward to him leaving though

he has always been there and in all reality

I will miss him more then anyone.

Jill was asking me about it

and wondering if I only liked him when he was around

and I told her no it is diffrent.

and it is

it has settled in the depths of my heart

it's not really moving

though i have given it to God

and I am trying to not awaken it

it is just nicely settled until either I get over it

or Jesus brings it to completion.

I mean bringing us together that is

I guess either way it will be completion.

Either way I am emotionally drained

just from seeing him and writing this.

'Til later