One thing

That clinicals did a terrible job at teaching you

is how to manage with out a partner

i just got a job that i know i will love

and i know i can do but

i was standing there

learning the ropes yesterday

thinking o me and my partner will be

o wait i am all alone

i have no one to fall back on

shoot

Praying

I have a paper to work on

and a walk that needs to be taken

but I am not really in the mood for either.

So what shall I do in the mean time?

Blog of course.

What about?

I am not sure.

I went and talked to my advisor the other day

and although she didn't really help me.

Everything that I want

I have to try to figure out on my own.

You would think that they should be able to answer

all the questions we have but apparently NOT.

Anyways she did give me one peice of hope....

there is a small almost non exsistent chance

that I will get into the nursing program in the spring!

Like I said it is a small possibility because I finished my

last pre-req in the summer.

I just need to remember that it is all in God's plan

weather I get in this spring or have to wait

I need to give that year to God if waiting is what i have to do...

I am praying I get in in the spring...

I stumbled upon a womans blog one day

and proceeded to read all about her baby

who has a heart condition.

He's in the hospital again.

I just pray he gets better soon so he can go home.

It's his birthday

Praise the Lord he has taken breath for a year.

Father be with the family.

I might be getting a new job.

My mom's employer want to hire me!

I am super excited about it.

I pray that I can do it

and that it is a good place for me.

Praying

Well

My microbiology paper is kicking my butt

right now.

Not because the content is hard

but because the dialouge is not flowing.

I can't believe

it's over already.

My clinicals they are over.

Man I remember when the class started back in the fall.

I was nervous and excited all at the same time.

I also wasn't sure I was going to make it.

Sitting for hours on end is not fun

and that is what the first three class were.

We would sit and listen to her lecture

plus watch a few movies each night.

These were not good movies they were the kind

that make you want to pull your hair out

each strand individually.

My class took up until the last two weeks of class

to be comfortable together.

We would each talk to about one other person

but by the last two weeks of class we could sit in there

and have one big conversation

with yelling across the room and

a million smaller ones going on between two or three people.

One of the more memorable lines being:

"Guys what should I bring for the pot luck?"

"Kiwi's. No I am serious."

"NO not kiwi's I have had a bad experience with kiwi's!"

haha it was quite the conversation.

Anyways I thought it was sad that right when we were getting

comfortable together the class was over

EXCEPT for clinicals.

DUN Dun dun.

NO I was super excited for them to start

but insanely nervous that I would be sick the whole time.

The only night that I was really sick was the first one

and after that I was fine.

I think I went into eachnight with a stomach ache

but by the grace of my Savior they went away.

It is helpful to be so busy that you don't remember that

your stomach is in knots.

The class was split in half

and I think we got the bast half of the class.

We all got together so well

I am extremely sad that clinicals are over.

The one thing that I want to remember is how good I felt afterward.

It was rewarding something that makes you feel needed

no matter how gross or crabby, or heavy or combative

the person is.

I am scared now to go on and do it without a partner

especially because each night I had a guy for a partner

which was nice because

they are strong and can do all the heavy rolling and stuff.

I have yet to realize how I will be able to do it on my own.

It will be a learning experience.

I will miss my group I wish we could all work together

or something.

It is crazy for me to think that in August they were complete strangers

and by october we were thrown into a situation

which made us all alittle more valnurable which made us

friends i think is the right term.

Anyways,

I can't believe they are over

and I sincerly wish that they weren't.

I will miss my class and my residents.

Sporadic

Wow it is rediculous how sporadic my posts are.

So I have completed 3 nights of clinicals

and I love it!

It's rewarding and hard but I don't know

I just love it.

No matter how many mistakes you make

how many old people yell at you

you leave feeling good.

It has made me so greatful for the way that I can do the basic

things.

That's why I can handle it [which is the first question that everybody asks]

because they need it and it's those little things that make

them feel human still.

And even tho there are some people that are incredibly

crabby they still love you and the appreciative ones

are so much fun.

This is not something that I ever saw myself doing

in fact when I was young and my mom was working as a CNA

I swore I would NEVER be able to

nor would ever want to work as one

and here I am

I am going to miss my class

after monday we will not be working together ever again

we probabley won't see eachother either

it's actually kind of funny

because we have only known eachother for

about two months

and it was at the end of our in class stuff that we truely

started getting comfortable talking and teasing eachother

and then we were thrown into this

new slightly scary setting

where we had to apply the things that we had been

learning in lab

and we had to totally depend on eachother.

We are all comfortable together now.

I will miss each and every one of them.

I went on a Campus Crucade for Christ

retreat last weekend.

Originally I had been super excited about it

then when I was leaving I got nervous.

It's hard to go somewhere where a bunch of strangers are

needless to say I had a stomach ach all weekend

tho I am convinced that it was spiritual attack

I kept praying and made it trough all of the

weekend :)

it was an awesome experience

and to see how we all started out as complete strangers

and ended up being friends by the time

we all went home.

They introduced us to these things called summer projects

and I am going to seriously pray about going on one.

they run everywhere from 1 week to 11 weeks

it felt like God had dropped the oppurtunity into my lap

so i am going to pray and see.

it was a weekend where I can't really put how it affected me into words

but i am insanely glad I went.

the weekend was not without struggle.

For starters I was sitting in this group which was pre made

and we were sharing our life maps and for some reason

I was attracted to this kid sitting across from me and I could not figure out

why I was so much

and then it totally dawned on me

he reminded me of Nate.

He was like Nate's twin both in looks and personality

and upon that realization I got mad at myself.

Anyways it wasn't like i started liking this kid

tho I did find myself starring somethimes just

because I was amazed that two people could be so alike

tho this kid had one major diffrence was that Jesus was shining

BRIGHTLY thru him.

Then I remembered that Nate was supposed to be coming home

[nah i didn't actually forget just pushed it out of my head]

and I missed him a little tho I was glad I would have

an excuse to not see him.

It was a constant struggle of not reliving memories a nice little

temptation of sorts.

I also feel asleep during devotions :P

I was praying and then all of the sudden I was dreaming that

Nate was telling me that it was 11:23 and I needed to wake up

I shook my self awake and looked at my phone

and sure enough it was 11:23.

Anyways I was getting thru the weekend learning things

feeling the spirit fighting a stomach ache leaning on God

and fighting off memories of the guy that i had long liked

and fortunetly gotten over when sunday comes around.

we were waling out of the last session when i decided to check my phone

and there was a text from him

it was sent right around the time church would have gotten out

which made me feel... weird.

Anyways we texted

and i said something about hopefully seeing him before school

started

and he said ya for sure becasue i don't think that I will see him for a very

long time.

it was weird coming away from that weekend so wanting to just

serve my Jesus with no thought of wanting to wait around

for whoever I am waiting for. like i am

ready to ship off this summer

and put his life out of my head

it was so obvious on the way home how dfferent our lives are.

Anyways he is heading to the cities this weekend so I won't see him at church.

I am so at peace but I kinda want to see him

just to erase the other guys face from my head

because all tho they looked a lot alike it is not the same.

The other kid did plague my mind a little when I got home

so I decided I need to avoid him at all times

like tuesday i was going to go to cru at UMD but i knew that

I wasn't supposed to so I didn't. I am glad I didn't.

So I will keep you updated on how I feel when I see Nate for the first time

since June 21st.

That is all for now

two very good reminders that LIFE GOES ON

Here we go again

There are always a million ways

and things that i want to and

need to change about myself.

So here it goes again.

I have tried seriously to loose weight

three times nothing has worked

only because i get lazy.

So we are starting agian.

but it is not just my physical self i need to change

it is my spiritual self too.

it all goes hand in hand.

so both are going to change. they need to.

so i m starting fresh.

this time instead of a week at a time i am going two days

if i can do two days then two more

and so on and so forth.

I am determined to beat this laziness thing that i possess.

'til late

Long time no type...

Wow it has been forever since I even remember logging into this.

I am sitting here, my body feeling wide awake and my eyes feeling

really really sleepy, thinking about so many things.

Things I could be doing instead of sitting on the internet, things

I want to accomoplish, things I should look into, prayers I want answered but

before answers the prayers need to happen.

Shall I make a list?

I think I shall:

1. my lips hurt so I put on some chap stick. the kind that

makes them tingle. yay.

2. I want to write. Which I do sparatically but it is not very often

and there is much imporvment that needs to happen. Lately I have been throwing

around the idea of minoring in writing. Do they even make that?

has that even been done? A major in nursing and a minor in writing?

I don't know if I would even be able to accomplish that

what with the clinicals and stuff. i do however want to find a school

that offers some more writing classes.

3. i still sometimes wonder if I am supposed to be a nurse. I really really want to be

one so I don't know if that is getting in the way of what I am really supposed to

be. I guess I will find out. It will be humiliating to tell people

if I do indeed switch [which i mentioned before I do NOT want to do] becasue

people seem to automatically think higher of you when you

tell them you want to go into the health feild.

4. back to writing i don't really want to become an author I just

want to learn how to write better.

5. my walk is crap lately. i don't know what happened or when I started getting

so lazy with it. I just don't do anything. I pray constently but not like I should

I haven't read my bible for a while. UGH.

6. in church on sunday I was hit with this realization that I am not sure

if it is from me or God but that I am not where I am

supposed to be. which scares me. I supposed if I fixed the problem above I could figure

out if that thought popped into my head on my account or

because I heard God speak.

7. Iam signed up to go on the Cru. retreat and I am overly excited about it.

I really can't wait to go and be with Jesus for the weekend which was my intent

on signing up. then i was plagued

with incredibly selfish reasons like:

I remembered it is the weekend he comes home

and I was even more excited that I would be outta town.

and there will be a ton of christian guys there that weekend

ones that could potentially be my guy. this is my problem I

don't want that weekend to be anything about guys

just Jesus and me. A refresher time away from life

to reconnect with my SAVIOR. I need it so badly.

8. Most of the time I am so over him but then there are moments

when i miss him so badly it hurts and i remember he could care

less about me and a peice of me crumbles and then I feel

rediculous and well it is an annoying cycle.

9.I really want my man. I am not a patient person, though I

am not confident in myself therefore there is no way I can

even imagine someone loving me in that way.

10. I really want to learn to run. I have been trying without success

it is hard and I really hate it. I want to love it.

11. It seems as if everything I start I don't follow through with

I want to break that habit.

12. I just deleted his girlfriend from my friends on facebook

and even though she will never know it felt good.

13. I really need to take a CPR class in order to get into the RN program for the fall. I keep

forgetting, is that God or just a lame mind???

14. I need to look into schools that will give me a bachleors in Nursing and offer

an NP program also one with creative writing

courses would be a plus.

15. I wish God would tell me my path.

16. I realize then I would not be taking anything by faith.

Those are the things I am thinking about.

In the order they hit my head.

I will get back on excersising.

I do not want to be one of those people that never does

anything because they are sitting around waiting

for oppertunity and love.

I need patience.

I need to sleep....

life goes on....